febobe

Guys, I'm resurrecting the first two chapters of this fic, which were previously posted here ages back, and adding a third...hope you enjoy this saga, which is based on a fic by the incomparable AlexandraSpar, AKA Vivian_Shaw on LJ, who lampooned FrodoHealers perfectly in an ff.net fic many ages past. :) I decided to lampoon the two of us as the Queen of All FrodoHealer Evils meets the staunch, courageous Alex, who remains determined to save Frodo from...well...people like me! :)

Bon appetit. ;)

-Febobe :)



CHAPTER ONE

Alex was curled up at home reading when it happened.

Thankfully enough, for the presence of that beeper was nothing she'd have been able to explain at work. An acquisition after the events of her last adventures in Middle-earth, she had, with Elrond's help, succeeded in equipping Frodo with a cell phone for emergency-only use and her card, complete with the number for her beeper.

If it were going off now. . .

Standing up, she gave a quick nod of her head, changed into something more suitable - her usual chin-length bob of white hair, accompanied by a dark grey dress belted at the waist by a belt of fine metal and gemstones - before blurring to reappear at Frodo's bedside.

He did not look well.

His tiny face wore a hectic flush, and his dark curls were tousled and damp with perspiration. He had a bad cough to boot, and his breath sounded short, as if his respiration rate were far too quick even for a hobbit.

Yet he looked surprised to see her.

"Wh-what are you doing here?"

"Didn't you call for me?" She knelt by his bed, touching a hand to the overheated brow. "I got the page."

"No. I haven't called."

Blast it. Now Alex was completely and utterly confused. "But why haven't you? You know I said to call if you fell ill again, don't you?" she gentled.

He nodded. "But I've someone to take care of me, so it hardly seemed worth calling and bothering you."

"Who?"

His blue eyes brightened. "Alex, you'd love her."

At the doorway, Lord Elrond cleared his throat loudly. "Frodo, I think you had better take some rest before luncheon. Lady Alex, would you walk with me, please?"

Something in his tone brooked no argument, so Alex rose, patting Frodo's arm. "I'll be back later. Just lie still."

No sooner had they reached the corridor and closed the door behind them than Alex turned to Elrond. "What *is* going on here?"

Elrond sighed, and Alex thought he looked as if he might have a headache. Never mind that; he'll have to find his own caregiver, she thought to herself. "I am the one who called you, Lady Alex. I must confess to taking Frodo's cell phone and placing the call while he slept. I believe that we have grave need of your assistance."

"Who is taking care of Frodo?" Alex frowned. "They aren't back, are they? I thought we got rid of them for good last time."

"We did." Elrond shook his head gravely. "This is even worse." He drew a deep breath and lowered his voice. "She calls herself Primanta Mantussa Donnibrada Baggins - Primanta for short - though obviously she's no hobbit. 'Distant relation,' she says."

"And Frodo buys this?"

"That isn't the worst part." Elrond sighed. "Because she cares for him as a hobbit would - nursing him through food - he trusts her implicitly, and will do anything that she says."

"But she's one of - "

"Them, yes. The leading lady of Them all, as it were. Trust me, you'll know her on sight." Elrond glanced up. "And here she comes now. . . ."

CHAPTER TWO

Sure enough, pushing a little trolley down the hall came a young woman with honey-blonde hair. Though hers was pulled into a neat braid, it clearly fell past her ankles. Her skin was fair and utterly flawless; her eyes - like Frodo's - wide and blue.

Alex shuddered.

The trolley she was pushing was laden with two covered trays, the bottom shelf of the three laden with pots and pitchers. Somehow she managed to maneuver this all very gracefully, without spilling a drop. In front of Elrond and Alex, she paused, dropping an elegant curtsey.

"Good afternoon, Lord Elrond. Perhaps you would be so kind as to introduce me to your - friend - when Frodo is not waiting for his luncheon."

And with that, she trundled on into the room.

Alex darted in behind her, Elrond following.

"Lady Primanta, this is Lady Alex, who has previously cared for Frodo. I would like you to allow her to observe and assist wherever possible."

Primanta looked up, all innocence and doe-eyes. "Oh, no assistance will be necessary. But she may observe all she likes."

You'd better believe I will, Alex seethed darkly as Elrond took a step back toward the door.

"Then I shall leave you three alone. Call me if you have need of me."

And with that, he was gone. Primanta began uncovering trays for a rather interested-looking little Ringbearer. And what trays! It was as if an invalid cookery-book had exploded: There was beef-tea in a porcelain feeding-cup. . .chicken broth in another little feeding-cup. . .a chicken timbale. . .creamed asparagus tips. . .a croustade of creamed peas. . .mashed potatoes. . .baked mushrooms. . .chicken and mushroom soup. . .tiny chicken sandwiches. . .raw beef sandwiches. . .wine jelly. . .chicken jelly. . .orange baskets with jelly. . .irish moss jelly. . .baked custard. . .and "ice-cream in a box," a la Fannie Farmer. There was lemon barley-water. . .ginger tea. . .peppermint tea. . .plain water. . .and warm milk.

Frodo looked delighted.

Alex swallowed nervously.

"What do you think you could try first?" cooed Primanta. "If there is nothing here to your liking, I can always go back and make something else. . . ."

"No. . .no, this is lovely. . . ." Frodo stared at the tray like a person dying of thirst staring at an oasis. "I could try the soup. . .the chicken and mushroom soup. . . ."

"All right, then. Do you feel up to feeding yourself, or would you rather I did it?"

"Please." Frodo parted his lips like a hungry baby bird.

Oh, brother, thought Alex, though she said nothing. But goodness only knew what was in that stuff to keep Frodo ill. . . . Then again, maybe not. These women had ways of keeping Frodo sick that had nothing to do with anything he ingested.

At any rate, though, Primanta clearly had one interest, and it wasn't seeing Frodo standing on his own two feet again.

CHAPTER THREE

Alex never knew a sick hobbit could polish off so much food. Not, that is, before she watched Frodo eat up his luncheon for Primanta, gazing up into her blue eyes as if she were the most enchanting creature in the world.

Bewitched, Alex muttered darkly to herself, that's what he is, bewitched.

At any rate, Primanta's coaxing resulted in a fair bit of everything going down and staying down. . .even the raw beef sandwiches, which made Alex cringe. What's she trying to do, induce vomiting? Alex wondered, then corrected herself. That wasn't the game with this type. This type was far more sinister. What would you call it, though? Munchausen by hobbit?

"Isn't she wonderful?" asked Frodo rapturously. "Aren't I lucky?"

Alex bit her tongue to keep from saying something that might well get her kicked right out of the room. "She's...unique."

"I know! I'm so glad she came."

If only you knew, Alex seethed. "Primanta," she said aloud, "I'd love to find out your plan for Frodo's care. Might we discuss it in the other room while he's resting?"

Primanta looked up, all innocent blue eyes and serene smile. "Oh, there's hardly any plan to it. Just good food suitable for an invalid, and of course, plenty of it. And of course rest. If you would like some of my recipes, perhaps I can refer you to the appropriate texts. I'm sure you're familiar with Fannie Farmer?"

"Yes, I am. But could you spare a few minutes for me anyhow?"

"Of course." Primanta turned and bent to kiss Frodo's brow. "Now, I shan't be long, dear. And when I come back, I'll bring you a treat. Would that be all right?"

Alex almost gagged.

"Oh, yes. Don't be gone long, please."

"I shan't. I promise." And with that, Primanta swept out the door, pushing Frodo's emptied dishes on the cart ahead of her. She waited for Alex to come on out, then shut the door behind them.

And suddenly her face changed. No serene smile now, but a terrible grin.

"And just what do you want, Alex?"

The name dripped from Primanta's lips with utter contempt, but Alex braced herself. She was going to stand her ground. "I might ask the same of you, Primanta...or should I call you...FEBOBE?"

If Primanta's - Febobe's - eyes could have shot daggers, they probably would have. "So you know my name!" she hissed. "What good do you think that will do you? Frodo loves me. He won't ever want me to leave. He doesn't want your kind of help any more, so you might as well flounce on back home, Miss Fancypants, and get back to your entirely unremarkable existence!"

"What do you want with Frodo?" Alex demanded, not budging.

Primanta laughed. "What do you think I want?" she asked. "What do we all want? Only to provide Frodo with the best care possible, for as long as he needs it."

"Which, if you have your way, will be forever."

She shrugged. "So be it. But is he happier like this, or walking around the Shire angsting about the Ring with no one to look after him?"

"That is not your place to decide."

"And just who appointed you judge and jury?" Primanta put her hands on her hips. "Don't you have anything better to do than judge me? I know about women like you. They're so unimaginative that they would rather let Frodo live out his life just as he does in the books, without proper nursing or invalid-feeding."

"Who gave you the right to decide he needs it?" Alex shot back coldly.

"My readers, that's who." Primanta held her chin up proudly. "My readers adore what I do. They love reading about my Frodo exploita- exploits, I mean. They dote on my work."

"And what about Frodo? Would he dote on it too?"

"That's the beauty of it." Primanta smiled wickedly. "He does. I've promised to make him pumpkin-apple soup later. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get started on it, and prepare a special treat for him, since he's waiting so patiently. A coddled egg with toast points should do nicely." She smirked at Alex. "Go back to your humdrum existence, Alex, and continue to fancy yourself a writer. You'll never be what I am."

"No, and thank heavens for that," muttered Alex as Primanta flounced off down the hall.

It was definitely time for a new strategy.

-to be continued!-